1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,596 I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it. 2 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:32,790 I'm leaving to go back to university 3 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:37,789 to learn about more than the price of opti-bright laser copy paper. 4 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:40,388 - 298 a gram. - 24o a gram. Check the list. 5 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,988 I didn't hear you. What are you going to study? 6 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,439 Psychology. 7 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,711 Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? They're all mad. 8 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,717 I want to be a psychologist. 9 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,310 Same difference. If you're so clever, what am I thinking about? 10 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:57,035 You're thinking, "how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?" 11 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,479 - No. - No. 12 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:02,673 You're thinking, "if I crash land in a jungle, can I eat my own shoes?" 13 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,394 - No, and you can't. - What are you thinking? 14 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,796 I was just thinking, "will there ever be a boy born 15 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,480 "who can swim faster than a shark?" 16 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,239 All right? 17 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,510 Oh, midday. Are you just getting in? 18 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,710 No. I'll be here in about an hour. 19 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,949 About an hour. You're already here. 20 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,870 Who am I, then, Dixon of dock green? 21 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,437 - What? - Evening, all. 22 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:42,835 - Brilliant. - Sorry I'm late. 23 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,635 Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me, 24 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,514 your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession - you. 25 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,039 Yeah? 26 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,037 Ipso facto. 27 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:59,792 Trust received, responsibility given and taken. Yeah? 28 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,759 I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night. 29 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:07,476 You stayed with a friend, fine. I'm annoyed her parents didn't call me. 30 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,273 - His parents weren't in. - It's a bloke, so what? 31 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,756 Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please? 32 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,154 You know... girlfriend happens to be a boy. 33 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,794 - I could stay at dawn's... - No, you couldn't. 34 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,708 I could if I got off with... off at... Got off at the wrong bus stop. 35 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,468 - I could. I'd be on the floor... - We spent some time on the floor. 36 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,114 For a good reason, probably. 37 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,639 More room. 38 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,760 Just go free. Come on. Jesus. 39 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:39,270 - But if I did stay at dawn's... - Which you couldn't. 40 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:43,075 - You could stay at mine. - I don't want to stay at yours. 41 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,430 The point is, if I did stay at dawn's... 42 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,353 There'd be no funny business. There was none, fine... 43 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,950 Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time. 44 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,155 It wasn't anyone in the office, was it? 45 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,272 Yes. I slept with someone in the office, everybody! 46 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,597 Show's over. Good. Well done. That's fine. 47 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,433 Don't even... it's not that... Oh... 48 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,799 Oh... 49 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,031 I'd let you stay at mine. 50 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,472 I'm getting a secretary because I need one. So... 51 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,110 The lucky contestants are... 52 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,474 All right? 53 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,830 - This is Stuart foot. - Hello, Stuart. 54 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,916 - Karen roper. - Mr Brent. 55 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,837 I don't know a mr Brent. David. 56 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,069 She'll brighten up the place, won't she? 57 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,909 If she gets the job. So will you. Because you're both equal. 58 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:48,068 No foregone conclusion. Based on interview... and merit. 59 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,748 It is up to me, ultimately, but good luck. 60 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,872 You'll do well to impress me. Nurse, the polaroid! 61 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,513 Just for um... 62 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,633 Just for er... sit down. To take a snapshot. 63 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:04,275 Just for the files. I'll do it. I'll do it. 64 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,876 Let's get that lovely smile on... 65 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,991 I'll come down here. 66 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,588 That's nice. Oh, the hair all... 67 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,154 Lovely. That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes. 68 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,793 Ok. Big smile. 69 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,232 That was lovely. Just give that a minute. 70 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,754 Look at that. Do one of you as well. 71 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,153 Good. 72 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,268 - Good. - We're doing Stuart first. 73 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,516 Let's get him out the way. Follow me. 74 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,119 Good. 75 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,392 Stuart foot. 76 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,553 What is that? 77 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,639 Money don't make my world go round. I'm reaching out to a higher ground. 78 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,911 - Is that a philosopher? - Desree. 79 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:14,953 The singer? 80 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,794 81 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:22,638 82 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,638 83 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,835 84 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,719 - I don't think I... - 85 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,115 86 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,275 Why do you want to work here? Shoot. 87 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,636 Yeah. The "bosses" are panicking. 88 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,911 They're going, "oh, cut back, lose staff. 89 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:52,510 "That's the way forward. That'll save money." Will it? 90 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:58,192 Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run? 91 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,869 Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? 92 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,231 No. He turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah? 93 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,113 They've got to trust me. I'm taking them into battle, 94 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,231 and I'm doing my own stapling. 95 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:14,194 A sergeant major spends his time training his men to be killers. 96 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,276 He doesn't Polish his own boots. 97 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,115 He probably does Polish his own boots, 98 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,470 but, you know, that doesn't mean... 99 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,953 It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing. 100 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,599 Hi. Are you ready to see Karen roper now? 101 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:33,994 Yeah. 102 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,712 - Thank you. - Hi. 103 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,114 Hello. 104 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,958 - Sit down. - Ok. 105 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,150 No. I've got one over here for you. 106 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:20,232 Good. 107 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:21,634 Right. 108 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,113 The interview. 109 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,519 What have we got here? Hmm. 110 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,232 Karen roper. 111 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,630 Curriculum vitae. 112 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,035 Just looking at this. Checking it out. 113 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,835 Good. Tell me about yourself. 114 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,839 Um... well, I did gcses and a-levels and... 115 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,349 Too boring. Tell me about yourself. 116 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:53,630 Ok. Well, I'm quite into films and music. 117 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,079 Yeah? 118 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:57,874 Desree? 119 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,276 - I don't really know... - Let's put that down. 120 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,436 Last year, I took a year out and I went travelling. 121 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,757 - Exploring... - Exploring yourself. 122 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,553 And Asia. 123 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,752 - Was this with your boyfriend? - No. On my own. 124 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,155 Just by yourself out there. Free. 125 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,752 Getting what you can while you're young. 126 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,637 I don't know when... 127 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,752 You've charmed me, yeah? You've got the job. 128 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,831 Think of a decision, I make it. 129 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,748 Work out your notice and I'll put you on a month's probation. 130 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,394 - That's just to see if we... - Ok. 131 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,988 Yeah? Good. Good. 132 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,473 Out tonight celebrating, I suppose? 133 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,956 Er, yeah. Going to... do you know the chasers? 134 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,718 Oh, I don't believe it. 135 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,833 If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us! 136 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,430 No, come over. The drinks will be on me. In me! 137 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,233 - What time are you there? - It's not definite... 138 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,477 No. Come down. Definitely. What's your tipple? 139 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,511 Vodka and coke. 140 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,198 Me - lager. 141 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,753 Finchy - lager. Gareth - lager, sometimes cider. So... 142 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,599 Different drinks for different needs. 143 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,119 Yeah. 144 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,998 Good. Well done. 145 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,997 - Congratulations. - Thanks. 146 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,356 New secretary. Good. 147 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:37,753 Efficient. 148 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:48,719 - So have you resigned, then? - Yeah. I have to make it official. 149 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,912 You embarrassed yourself by asking dawn out. 150 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:56,158 I didn't. Why does everyone think...? It was as a friend. 151 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,236 - Right. - Just as a friend. 152 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,868 Hi, Donna. How's it going? Settling in? 153 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,078 Who left that there? 154 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,679 Um... 155 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,429 Yeah. There's a health and safety seminar later on, 156 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,189 which I'd like you to attend. Compulsory, I'm afraid. 157 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,356 That's not to say it won't be fun. 158 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,950 I like to inject my own sense of fun into it. 159 00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,230 Two o'clock in the meeting room. 160 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:31,634 See you there. 161 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,349 Just looking at the booklet at the moment? 162 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,554 Yeah. 163 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,592 - What did you see on TV yesterday? - I watched a video. 164 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,314 - I watched "peak practice". - I've never seen it. 165 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,591 - Bloody repeat. - Yeah. Annoying, isn't it? 166 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,676 Not for me. I hadn't seen it. 167 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:06,874 Boring, isn't it? Staying in watching "peak practice" with your life. 168 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,639 - Yeah. - Not for me. I like it. 169 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,320 Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wank. 170 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,878 - That should be enough. - Yeah. Fine. 171 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,117 - The information's elsewhere. - He won't read it. 172 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,196 Despite having done it twice. 173 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,596 I'll have to get my p45 from my other job. 174 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,994 Ok. 175 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,758 Brent, just roper to beat! 176 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,749 I bloody love football, don't I? 177 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,838 Service, barman. 178 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,713 Lager. Vodka and coke. Gave her the gig. 179 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:42,356 Oh, the dreaded form. Does it say whether you're married or single? 180 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,836 It doesn't matter. Bring your boyfriend tonight. 181 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,712 - I don't have one. - Whatever. 182 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,193 - Oh, sorry! - Oh! 183 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:53,313 Sorry. It is a man's game. That is... That is... yeah. 184 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,237 - I can't see. - Accidental. 185 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,679 Sorry. 186 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,519 That's why they shouldn't get involved, really. 187 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,592 - Hi. - Hello. All right? 188 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:15,076 - Yeah. I was just... - I've got to go in a sec. 189 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,078 - No. I can eat here. - Of course. 190 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,589 So we should go for that drink. 191 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,358 Oh, yeah, yeah. 192 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,630 - You, me and Lee. - The three of us. 193 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,469 I can probably get someone to come along. Good. 194 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:41,478 - Er, in the next few weeks? - Definitely. 195 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:45,388 - Right. I'll just check with Lee. - Yeah. Absolutely. Of course. 196 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,431 - Gareth. - All right? 197 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,630 How are you, mate? 198 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,872 Good to see you. 199 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,956 Were you trying to get off with her? 200 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,869 Ok. Welcome to wernham hogg health and safety training 201 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,594 with gareth keenan. Ok? 202 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,359 That's me. Pleased to meet you. 203 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,152 There are many hidden dangers in the workspace 204 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,750 and we're going to find out what those dangers are together. 205 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,553 Starting off with your workstation. 206 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:42,435 Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee. 207 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:46,269 It's not, because that would be dangerous even in training. 208 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:51,873 What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up. 209 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,436 I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people. 210 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,791 I like a laugh most of the time - in and out of work. 211 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,071 - Some us are going out tonight... - Shall we crack on? 212 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,075 Good. Keen. Excellent. 213 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,875 All right. Now watch where I place this mug... 214 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:15,351 In order to simulate where someone might put a mug in real life. 215 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:21,269 What I want you to do is shout out - shout, mind - "safe" or "dangerous." 216 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,391 Think you could manage that? 217 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,152 Ok. Let's go. 218 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:34,879 Dangerous. 219 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,592 Dangerous. 220 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,917 - What have we learnt? - Don't pour coffee on the computer. 221 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,396 Any fluids. Right? Good. 222 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,073 First-class, please. 223 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,077 - Are you all right? - Eh? 224 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,430 - Are you all right? - Yeah. Fine, thanks. 225 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:11,154 Have you had a good morning or a bad morning? 226 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,909 A bit of a... oh, God, a bit of a mad morning. 227 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,508 - Never mind. - See you later. 228 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:18,914 Ok. 229 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,279 Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff. 230 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,436 This is the incorrect way. 231 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:33,918 Ok? Incorrect. 232 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,515 The correct way. Two things to remember. 233 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,234 Keep your back nice and straight. Straight back. 234 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,998 And bend your knees. 235 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:45,033 Keep your back straight and bend your knees. Right? 236 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,912 Very important. 237 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,631 Do you want to try that with me? 238 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,113 I'm fine. 239 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,317 I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box. 240 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,273 Just do it with me a couple of times. 241 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:02,279 Right. So nice straight back, bend your knees... 242 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,436 Up. That's it. 243 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,949 Same on the way down as on the way up. 244 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:25,839 Down again. 245 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,791 Good. One more time. 246 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,797 Nice straight back. That's it. 247 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,717 That's it. Great. 248 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,593 One more time. So have you got that? 249 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,597 I'll practise it at home. 250 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,995 Excellent. Good. Well done. 251 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,872 If you have any questions 252 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,117 or if you want to talk about anything at all... 253 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,117 I know you've um... 254 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:50,715 - You slept with Jeff. - Are we done? 255 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,751 - You made a mistake... - I haven't. 256 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,429 I'm just checking whether you're going to be spreading it around... 257 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:57,879 Right. Bye. 258 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:02,954 Good. 259 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,839 Yeah. 260 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,076 Excellent pupil. Fast learner. 261 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:14,798 She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly. 262 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,876 "A" I'm going to give her. 263 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,633 "A." 264 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,119 Quick question. I've got these invoices to file and I don't know... 265 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,277 - Yes? - Where do I file these? 266 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,595 - I don't know. - Excellent. Thanks. 267 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,309 (Gareth) It's not as l'f she's your daughter, 268 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:10,308 but that's not the point. It's the principle. It was about respect. 269 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,874 Showing a bit of respect. 270 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:20,358 And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So... 271 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,392 Show them respect by being the law. 272 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:29,359 She's legal though. When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking, 273 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,596 - when girls are 16, they're... - Gareth. 274 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,517 - You heard that one. - Well... 275 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,076 Are you going to fire the person she shag... slept with? 276 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,431 It's a free country. I can't do anything about it. 277 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,710 So you won't fire them, as such? 278 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,753 - I won't look on him favourably. - Or her. It could be a girl. 279 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,277 She's not a lesbian, gareth. 280 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:53,075 I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof 281 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,668 liked to roll around with other women. 282 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,392 Gareth? Don't you? 283 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,272 Yup. Most probably. 284 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,557 Spoke to you at five, get the call at six from the lads, 285 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,557 drinks at eight in the chasers. 286 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,796 - Spare bird going. - Not for long! 287 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,390 So I get there, she's aged 19. Ferrari chassis, 288 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,229 fantastic-sized shelves, and legs up to her arse. 289 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,874 Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her. 290 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:28,278 And my mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho. 291 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,517 - Finchy! - There I am, back of the cab, 292 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,759 both of them with their laughing gear round the pump-action rifle. 293 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,198 Got back to mine, two hours sleep, yeah? 294 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,752 Today, I bump into the mate whose bird I've done... 295 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,189 Sold him two ton of high white. 296 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,834 He says to me, "you look knackered." 297 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:52,077 And he looks like he's had a pot noodle and a wank. 298 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,157 I'd have said that to him. 299 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,477 I shit you not. I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night. 300 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,956 - Coming out tonight though? - Definitely. 301 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,752 Are you coming, jobless? 302 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,031 Yeah. If only for the conversation. 303 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,637 Pot noodle and a wank! 304 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,880 (Tim) I don't know where we're gol'ng tonl'ght, 305 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,798 obvl'ously, fl'nchy's a sophl'stl'cated guy, 306 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,990 and gareth's a culture vulture, 307 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,189 will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. 308 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,073 I know the rsc's in town, so... 309 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,839 Having said that, at chasers, 310 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:29,873 it's a hooch for a pound and wonderbras get in free night, so... 311 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,231 I don't know. It's exciting. I'm staying out of it. 312 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,116 (Dance music: "Out of your mind" by the truesteppers) 313 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,154 Gar�on! 314 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,270 - Who wants a Finch pinch? - What? 315 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:56,439 Chris Finch, good to meet you. This is my friend sir David Brent. 316 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,438 Joking. The only knighthood he's got's a condom. 317 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:00,913 Night-hood. 318 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,474 - Condom. - I'm saying the joke worked. 319 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:07,309 Condoms come in all different flavours now, don't they? 320 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:11,035 Like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry? 321 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,438 What are your names? 322 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,279 I'm lorna. This is Lindsey and Heather. 323 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,119 Pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you. 324 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,231 And very nice to meet you. 325 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,715 Nice to meet all of you. Anyone's fine. 326 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,914 (Music: "Spinning around" by Kylie Minogue) 327 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,513 Nice shirt. 328 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,471 Cheers. Ciro citterio. 329 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,076 While you're down there, love. 330 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:01,476 You know what they say - one up the bum, no harm done. 331 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,196 - You not heard that before? - Yeah. 332 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,552 Christ, that'll do. 333 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,717 If you're looking for a seat, you can sit on my face! 334 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,877 Not her. She's staying with me. Her dad'll kill me. 335 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,831 - Leave it. - You lucky bastard. 336 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:19,190 Hey, do you want something hard? 337 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,232 Don't. Do it to other girls. Please, just... 338 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,949 (Gareth) We go there every Wednesday nl'ght, it's a fun place, 339 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,196 but it's full of loose women. 340 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,756 And my only problem with that is venereal disease, 341 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,235 which is disabilitating. 342 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,756 Especially for a soldier. 343 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,508 And it's irresponsible to your unit. 344 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,517 You've been under attack for days, 345 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,394 there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in. 346 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,317 "Who's used all the penicillin?" 347 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,512 "Mark Paxton, sir. He's got knob rot off some tart." 348 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,992 Coming through. 349 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,318 R-aargh! 350 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,516 Don't worry. I haven't got any balls. 351 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,874 Vodka and coke. Remembered. 352 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,752 What am I drinking? 353 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,711 - Lager? - Pint thereof. 354 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,238 They're coming up to me one at a time and going, 355 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,477 "will we be made redundant, David?" 356 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,556 I'm going, "no. Over my dead body." 357 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:01,912 They're going, "don't put your neck on the line." "I will if I want to." 358 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,838 They bend over backwards for me, 359 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,793 and not because they're scared of me, 360 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,037 but because they love me and I love them. You know? 361 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,994 You'll grow to love me as well - not because of anything sexual... 362 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,390 - Hey, David. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 363 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,355 Hey, what bike you got? 364 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,711 - A matchless 5oo. - Is that a harley Davidson? 365 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,717 - I love all that. - Leave it. 366 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,908 (Tim) Slough's nl'ghtll'Fe l's l'ncredl'ble, 367 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,156 it's got two nl'ghtclubs - chasers 368 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,828 and New York New York, 369 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,953 they call it "the nightclub that never sleeps." That closes at one. 370 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,912 There is... there was... oh, my God. 371 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,396 ..A themed nightclub called Henry viii's, right? 372 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,557 It was incredible. It had the Ann bow-ling alley. 373 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,159 This is true. 374 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:16,512 As you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "mind your head." 375 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:20,599 And underneath someone had written "don't get your Hampton court." 376 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,351 Yeah. It's not there anymore. 377 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,356 But not a day goes by that I don't think about it. 378 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,431 Who are you? 379 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,076 Have you not met my husband Paul? 380 00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,474 Husband? 381 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,875 Is it all right if gareth comes back? 382 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,638 - Fine. - Husband? 383 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,070 No way. No. I don't... not interested. No. 384 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,034 I'm not having another fella involved. Another girl, maybe. 385 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,196 I wouldn't even want him watching. 386 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:04,799 No way. 387 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,755 (Music: "Tainted love" by soft cell) 388 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:35,594 Hi. 389 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:39,110 - Hey. All right, mate. - How's it going? Good to see you. 390 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,233 - So now you know. - Yeah. Brilliant. 391 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,271 You got a problem with Ricky? 392 00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,152 No. Sleep with everyone. 393 00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:52,078 He's not even permanent. I'd have preferred gareth. 394 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,192 - Wouldn't happen. - 'Cause he didn't go to university? 395 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,390 No, because he's a weasel-faced arse. 396 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:01,479 You could do worse than gareth. He hasn't missed one day from illness. 397 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,239 And don't call him an arse-faced weasel. 398 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,157 - A weasel-faced arse. - Same. 399 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,239 Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel? 400 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:12,713 A weasel, probably. 401 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,638 Fuck this. Don't tell me who I can and can't see. 402 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,719 I hope you won't be sleeping with someone if sex is so disgusting. 403 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,274 Fat chance. He couldn't pull in a brothel. 404 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,312 I could and I have! I'll take her home if I want. 405 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,590 - I don't want to. - She doesn't want to. 406 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,393 I don't want you to. That's wasted an hour. 407 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,876 Is that why you've been talking to me - you want to shag me? 408 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,390 Yeah, and from behind because your breath stinks of onions. 409 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,556 Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done. 410 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,511 No. Not up the arse. 411 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:54,196 (David ) Thl's l's the poem "slough" by sl'r John betj'eman, 412 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,151 probably never been here, 413 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,594 "come, friendly bombs, and fall on slough. 414 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,438 "It isn't fit for humans now." 415 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:05,439 You don't solve town planning problems by dropping bombs, 416 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,471 so he's embarrassed himself there. 417 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,478 "In labour-savl'ng homes wl'th care 418 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,830 "thel'r wl'ves frl'zz out peroxl'de hal'r, 419 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:16,669 "and dry l't l'n synthetl'c Al'r, and pal'nt thel'r nal'ls, " to look nl'ce, 420 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,798 why's he got a...? Doesn't he like girls? 421 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:23,595 "And talk of sports and makes of cars l'n varl'ous bogus tudor bars, 422 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,997 "and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch l'nstead, " 423 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:29,475 what's he on about? He's never burped? 424 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,072 - Where are we going? - What? I'm going home, mate. 425 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:35,475 - One more drink. - I'm going home, David. 426 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,512 One more drink. 427 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,269 - - don't do that. 428 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,789 "Come, frl'endly bombs, and fall on slough, 429 00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:46,717 "to get l't ready for the plough, 430 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,796 "the cabbages are coming now. 431 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,388 "The earth exhales..." He's the only cabbage. 432 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:02,352 433 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:08,313 434 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,190 435 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:15,472 so you could buy. 436 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:17,636 They made him a knight of the realm. 437 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,313 Overrated.